Building Effective Relationships
With Parents

by Kim Marxhausen

He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess. 5:10–11)

Building a strong relationship with parents is an important part of your ministry. God uses these relationships to support you too.The relationship between a teacher and parent can be a blessing or a struggle. There are times when we realize we might not have survived a difficult year if not for the encouragement of a loving parent. Then again, there are times when we are convinced that teaching would be easy if only parents weren't a part of the picture.

God calls you to build healthy relationships with fellow children of God. Building a strong relationship with parents is an important part of your ministry. Not only that, but God blesses your efforts and uses these relationships to support you too.

Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in times of trouble. (Ps. 41:1–2)

The actions and behaviors of some parents may mask an underlying neediness. Often it is a need to control something when their own lives are spinning out of control. Blaming the school or a teacher can be easier than facing problems at home.

You can't fix poverty, broken homes, or crisis situations. God does ask you to listen and care for these families.God does not ask you to solve the neediness of families. You can't fix poverty, broken homes, or crisis situations. God does ask you to listen and care for these families. You can't take the burden away but often you can help them carry it. Listen to your parents. Ask God to help you hear their weakness. Take this knowledge into account as you build a relationship.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matt.11:28)

While some parents hide their needs, others are openly hurting. Human beings fear pain. When faced with someone else's pain you may fall into a primal "flight or fight" response. You may fight pain by dismissing it, by spouting platitudes that show no understanding of what our brother or sister in Christ is suffering. You may flee pain by avoiding the person or avoiding the topic.

Again, God does not ask you to solve the problem of pain or grief. He does ask you to love the person in pain. If you have ever hammered your thumb or stubbed your toe you know that pain can make you do or say things you wouldn't normally do or say. The pain of grief can cause the same reaction. Words thrown at you may not actually be intended for you. When someone hurts you it is very hard to ignore your own pain, but this is actually one way we can love someone who grieves. Remember that you can't fight or fix the pain. Do not avoid the topic, but, with God's help face it. And remember to forgive when the pain reflects back to you.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)

Every parent is scared. Just ask the parent of the sixteen-year-old turning over the car keys. Or ask the parent of a three-year-old hearing a doctor's dreaded diagnosis. Children may be hurt in so many ways! Parents want to protect their children, and yet even the most arrogant parent may very well be trembling inside. Parents want to know that teachers are on their side, not fighting against them. Between the parents and the teacher, each brings expertise to the table. The parents know their child better than anyone. The teacher understands the behaviors and needs of children that age. Together, the pieces of the puzzle can give a more complete picture of the child’s needs. Remember, even a parent who blames you for all the child's problems is better than the parent who doesn't care enough to come and talk with you. Let the parents know that you love their child and want to work with them.

Be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (1 Thess. 5:14–15)

Angry parents can destroy a teacher’s spirit. Angry parents may even cause you to rethink your career choice. The anger is not an attack on you, as much as it is a protection of the parent’s child. When a parent is pointing a finger, raising a voice, unable to listen, it is a huge challenge to be patient and to not pay back wrong for wrong. Sometimes the parent can be calmed down, sometimes the situation needs time, and sometimes the situation needs intervention from a principal to bring things under control. However, the situation is never helped by more anger. Pray for patience and wisdom. Eventually, the parent will stop ranting and will want to know what you have to say.

But I tell you: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matt. 5:44)

While some parents cannot forgive you, sometimes forgiveness is what they withhold from themselves. Some parents just cannot forgive. They hold a grudge and see everything a teacher does through the lens of that grudge. As you work with this kind of parent, you may feel that you can never do anything right; that you will never be good enough. These parents pose an even bigger problem when they have several children at the school. The end of the year does not get you out of the hot seat, as the name of child number two is added to your class roster. Unforgiving parents are hard to love, but unforgiving parents need your love the most. Consider, too, that while some parents cannot forgive you, sometimes forgiveness is what they withhold from themselves. This may be the reason they cannot face a healthy relationship with you. Only God's love can melt an unforgiving heart.

If any of you lacks wisdom you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5)

This verse should be your daily prayer. Building healthy relationships with parents sometimes requires a wisdom beyond your understanding. You need a wisdom only God can give. What peace the promise of this verse brings as you work in His Kingdom!

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)

Finally, it is a given that you will fail. Some days you are the teacher that breaks the parent's back. Sometimes you lash back in anger or pain. Your patience is too short. Your temper wears thin. Your own pain causes you to respond in a hurtful way. God loves you anyway. God forgives you. He wraps you in His mercy and grace and whispers in your ear that He is always with you. Your relationship with Him is the most precious of all.

Dr. Kim Marxhausen is a Lutheran educator of more than 25 years. She is a professor, public speaker, contributor to LEA webinars, and an author. Her writing is included in "The Pedagogy of Faith," edited by Bernard Bull and published by Concordia Publishing House.

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Building Effective Relationships With Parents

Building Effective Relationships
With Parents